Why I can't marry you
by HorcruxCupcake
Summary: Post ep S29E26 Zax Two-shot After Zoe's really bad day Max and Zoe have a long chat when the truth finally comes out.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Absolutely amazing episode on Saturday night - all focused on Zoe. Although it took me a while to get my head around what was going on. I didn't get to watch it until last night though because I didn't get back from my silver DofE until yesterday so I spent this morning writing a really long post ep. I'm uploading it in two parts because I'm up to 2600 words already.**

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_"__You love your job and Max loves that about you, maybe you should take time to notice that"_

"I don't know Tess" said Zoe shaking her head "I guess I just don't want him to feel trapped."

"Trapped?"

"Yeah I mean he… he's going to want a family Tess" she replied looking away "And if he knows the truth he's either going to run for miles or feel like he has to stay. I don't know what to do anymore"

"How serious is it?"

Zoe shrugged her shoulders in reply thinking about the ring on her tray this morning "It was a bit of fun, that's all it was" she explained "But then it just sort of escalated and I left."

"So that's why you left last year?"

"It wasn't the only reason but yeah, I thought I was being immature and stupid and that I should just move on."

"But you came back."

"I came back to help Connie but Max wouldn't leave me alone. Wouldn't accept that we'd broken up and I didn't want to get back together."

"He did that because he loves you and I know he does because he tells everybody who will listen to him and I think, however much you try to suppress it, you love him back."

"Yeah" Zoe said quietly, nodding "But I can't hurt him Tess."

"You would by leaving him though, you'd hurt the both of you."

"But I have to make the decision of what would hurt him the least. Us breaking up or me telling him the truth and making it obvious that I've been pulling him along for the ride."

"You haven't been, you just weren't ready to tell him." Zoe didn't say anything so Tess continued "Look I don't know the details about your relationship but I do know that if it's at the point where I think it is then you need to tell him now before it's too late."

"I just don't want…

"I know what you're afraid of Zoe but Max isn't Nick. But, if you leave it too long like last time or try and pretend otherwise you're not making life any easier for either of you"

"I know" she said simply then asked "Why isn't life ever simple Tess?"

"Because otherwise there would be no fun" Tess smiled.

Robyn opened the door "ETC in five minutes" she said.

"You were saying" said Zoe

"Just talk to him" Tess told her as they followed Robyn out of the room.

Zoe nodded "I will"

"Why does Zoe always run away from everything?" Max asked Dylan while they were standing behind reception

"Sorry, are you talking to me?" Dylan said taking his headphones off

"Why doesn't Zoe trust anybody?"

"Why what has she done now?"

"Nothing, she just refuses to do anything that will make her happy"

Dylan studied Max for a moment before realisation hit him "You proposed didn't you?"

"How did you get there from that?"

"But you did didn't you?"

Max sighed "She didn't let me, I think she saw the ring box which is why she left quickly. The least she could do is explain why she doesn't want to marry me instead of avoiding the question."

"Who says she doesn't want to marry you?"

Max looked up surprised "Well if she did she'd have let me ask her."

"Have you ever thought that there might be other factors involved and it's not just about what she wants?"

"Like what?"

"It's not my place to say" said Dylan "But you do need to know before you propose and although I think Zoe may be ready to marry you, she's not quite ready to voice her problems however much she might want to."

Max thought about that carefully for a minute "Ok" was all he said before turning away but Dylan stopped him.

"Max wait. Look I don't know if I should be telling you this but she's been engaged before"

"Really?"

"Yes and the reason she didn't marry him was because she'd lied to him because she was scared to tell the truth and he left her. Now, I know that she hasn't lied to you and she doesn't want to but I think part of it is knowing you won't run away when she finally does tell you what's wrong."

"I won't leave her" Max said shortly.

"Then you need to tell her that."

"Don't you think I have?"

"I don't just mean imply it, actually tell her and mean it when you tell her because you will be shocked and will probably need time to clear your head, but she needs to know that you won't leave. Then I think she'll be ready to tell you."

"I don't want to force her into telling me anything."

"And you won't if you just give her a little bit more time."

Max nodded "Thanks, anyway nice talking to you mate, but a hot girl is in need of assistance" he said indicating to where a women was stood looking lost.

Dylan rolled his eyes, how Max could joke about things like that after a serious conversation about marriage, he would never know.

"Max" Dylan called after him. Once more making him stop and turn around "Just don't hurt her, ok."

"I won't" he promised.

Zoe was waiting for Max outside after a really long shift. It was pouring down with rain but she needed space to think. What Tess had said made her realise that it wasn't fair to keep this from Max any longer than necessary – somehow she needed to tell him the truth.

She turned when she heard someone walk out of the front door and smiled seeing who it was.

"Come on" he said grasping her hand and pulling her away from the ED.

She rested her head on Max's shoulder as they left the hospital together. "I'm sorry about this morning" she said "I didn't mean to be rude I just wanted to get there early and… but it was pointless anyway."

"It wasn't pointless. Yes 2 people died today but others survived because of you. You save lives every day and it's not your fault when someone doesn't make it. There was nothing you could do to save that little girl, she was already gone."

"But maybe if-

"Ssh don't Zoe, don't think about it"

"It's just hard" she said blinking back tears

"I know, I know" he said soothing her

He left her for a minute before speaking again "We don't have to have that chat either if you don't want to."

"Yes we do Max."

"No we don't" he said "We don't need to talk about anything until you're ready."

"What do you mean?"

"I know you saw that ring this morning-

"Max I-

"And I know you're trying to avoid the topic" he said louder so she couldn't interrupt him "But I also know that there is something you're keeping from me that you don't need to talk about for my sake. Don't tell me until you're ready."

"Who have you been talking to?"

"Dylan… but don't be annoyed he didn't tell me anything important. I still don't know you're secret" he smiled

"Do you realise how amazing you are" she said

"I know I'm pretty amazing." Max said then added "ouch" when she elbowed him in theadded.

"I'm serious"

"I know you are"

"How badly do you want to get injured tonight?"

"In what form will I be punished?" he asked.

"Max!" Zoe protested laughing.

He laughed "Go on then, why am I amazing?"

"After that I take it back."

"Oh I'm sorry" he said making puppy dog eyes.

She smiled and pulled him to a stop, turning to face him "All I meant was that you're amazing because most guys would pester and pester me until I told them and I know you want to know but… you're amazing."

"I love you Zoe, and I need you to know that I'm not going anywhere and I will always be there for you no matter how bad it gets. I mean it, whenever you tell me and whatever you tell me it won't be bad enough to make me leave."

"You don't know that."

"I do because I love you and I don't want to leave."

"But it's not fair on you to put you through this, you're too young and too… whole to stay with me, when… it's not fair."

"Zoe stop trying to make excuses. I'm not leaving you, especially not because you think it's the right thing, and I don't want you to leave either because if you do I will just follow you until you vome back to me again. I love you and know you love me back so just trust me when I say I'm not going anywhere."

"God I love you" breathed Zoe reaching up and pulling his head down to meet hers, when they finally came up for air Zoe spoke "Not here right now. Follow me" she decided grabbing his hand again and leading him round the corner and towards the back of the buildings.

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**A/N: More to come...**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: 2nd part! It continues directly from when Zoe leads Max behind the back of the buildings. I made this post ep extra long because it's been so long since I've written for casualty and I was deprived of Zax. In this chapter I've written a lot that were in past episodes that I've sort of got the story from clips so some of it might not be that accurate. I apologise in advance and if anyone does know the right version please can you tell me because, since it's casualty, I'd like to know. :D That reminds me - it was nice to see Maggie in the episode, especially because she now thinks Zoe and Charlie are together ;)**

**I have edited and replaced the first chapter now with the corrections because I hate my unedited writing, it hasn't changed that much - mainly the punctuation has improved, I just didn't get chance yesterday and wanted to get the first part up. I'd also like to say this idea was requested and I was going to write it in my Doctor story but didn't know when I'd get round to it so I ****thought it was suitable after Saturday's ep. Hope you like it :D**

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"Wow I didn't even know this was here" Max said looking around. They had entered a small area at the edge of the woods where the lake came to meet the trees. The rain had stopped at long last and the sun was beating down on them glistening off the raindrops on the leaves. "It's breath taking" he said

"Yeah it is" she agreed "I found this place by chance once and I used to come here when I needed time to think, it's so quiet and peaceful"

Max nodded, still to awestruck to speak.

"Give me your jacket" she instructed him

"Why?"

"Because mine cost a ridiculous amount of money and we're not sitting on that"

"We could just sit on the grass"

"In this dress? The ground is wet or have you not noticed" she stated

"Come on live a little" he said then whispered in her ear "I dare you"

She raised her eyebrows "Ok ok" Max gave in taking off his jacket "But you owe me"

She smiled as the both lay down on his jacket looking up at the sky "Anyway you take dares in turns and I've still not had my go after you dared me to be a porter for the day"

"That was ages ago, you were a rubbish porter by the way"

"Been on that first aid course yet?"

"So why did we come here?" he asked, ignoring her question

"Smooth"

"Just asking"

"We came here because you deserve to know why I can't marry you and this is the place I came when I first found out the reason myself. Well after I'd sobered up because I'd been drinking that much to block everything out. I ended up in the ED that night because apparently I fell trying to climb out of the toilet cubicle because I was that drunk I couldn't open the door"

Max laughed "Yeah I can imagine that"

"Anyway" she continued seriously "I was in a relationship with Nick Jordan and at the time I thought I loved him but looking back now I think we were just really close friends because I couldn't tell him what I'm about to tell you, and I do love you"

Max didn't say anything.

"Getting jealous?" Zoe teased

"Little bit"

She laughed "Anyway… I thought I was pregnant so I took a test at the hospital."

"Are you doing this to deliberately torture me or can we just skip to the end?"

"I want to torture you"

"Great thanks"

"While I was waiting, I don't really know what I was thinking. I'd never been the maternal type as such and I wasn't ready to be a mother but I'd always imagined my future with a family and I'd always wanted one; I'd never disliked children I just didn't now how to handle them"

"I'm sure you'd be a great mother"

"Well that's the thing" she took a deep breath and sat up to look directly at him before continuing and her face was so serious that he sat up as well "The results came back saying I wasn't pregnant. Instead they confirmed on the same page that I was infertile"

"What?" he whispered shocked

"I can't have children Max. I can't give you a family"

"Maybe you could get a second opinion"

"I did get one"

"Or a third"

She shook her head "I already know what the response is going to be, I've looked at the details myself."

"Oh Zoe" he murmured sorrowfully, pulling her into a hug "I'm sorry"

"Don't be, I came to accept it a long time ago but I'm sorry that I can't give you a normal life"

"Hang on" said Max pulling back from the hug in order to look at her "Is this the reason why you won't marry me, because you can't have kids?"

Zoe started to talk but hesitated.

"Go on" Max prompted her

"I lied to Nick, I told him I was pregnant whilst all the time I was taking tablets to increase my chances, but they weren't working. When he eventually found out the truth he left me. He claimed it was because I'd lied but I knew it was really because we couldn't ever be a proper family."

"Zoe when I said I wasn't going to leave you I meant it ok, it's not the end. We could adopt"

"I nearly did once." she admitted "You know the picture of the little girl in my office, that's Sharice. It's a long story but basically Sharice lost both of her parents on the same day because I didn't help them as I should have done and she needed some stability in her life. She was going to be taken into care away from everyone she knew so I fostered her and took steps for adoption. Then her grandparents turned up and wanted to take her, to look after her and it made me realise that with my work life I couldn't give her all the attention she needs. I still stay in touch now but we speak less and less as the years go by, but I'm never going to forget her."

"I know your work life is hectic but you wouldn't be on your own this time. I'm here."

"Adoption isn't the same though"

"I don't care. I'd rather never have children of my own than leave you. If I ever find this Jordan bloke…"

Zoe laughed "You won't do anything, you're not confrontational enough. Which is another thing I love about you"

Their heads moved slowly together until they were kissing, slowly he lowered her to the ground so she was lying down again with him on top of her. They wrestled for a few minutes fighting for dominance until Max broke into laughter.

"What's so funny?" she asked

"You're lying on the grass"

Zoe's eyes widened as she realised he was right and pushed him off her so she could stand up. Her cream dress was covered in grass stains from top to bottom and Max was laughing so hard, he could barely stand up straight.

"You owe me a new dress" she told him

"Relax it was boring before, now it's got a nice pattern on it. No one will notice" he said

"Like they won't notice you walking down the street soaking wet either"

"What?" he said still laughing, and before his brain could comprehend what she had just said he found himself being shoved into the lake.

"Aaagh" he screamed "This is freezing!"

"Ha payback" she said as he quickly ran out and grabbed her from behind. "Noo I'm cold!" she protested

"Exactly"

She pushed him back in the water again but he grabbed her and pulled her in with him "Now your dress really is ruined" he said

"It already was thanks to you" she said "Actually it's warmer in here than you'd think"

"Lier"

"Whimp"

"True" Max said making Zoe laugh

"No I was just thinking" she said cheekily "That it's so warm in here I might have to take this dress off"

"Really?"

"Mmm but since you pointed out just how cold it is, I don't think I'll bother" she said beginning to swim to the shore.

"Oh no you don't" he said grabbing her leg and pulling her back. She screamed when he pulled her to him so he shut her up with a kiss. Grinning she pulled back.

"It really is cold in here" she said

"Yeah let's get out"

They swam to the shore laughing with each other and Zoe had half got out when Max pulled her back in again and quickly got out himself.

"What was that for?" she cried running out after him

"Payback" he said winking

"Unbelievable" she shook her head grabbing his jacket off the ground and wrapping around her shoulders to stay warm "How are we supposed to get dry now to go back to the hotel?"

"Shouldn't you have thought of that earlier? You were the one who pushed me into the lake"

"Shut up"

"Don't want to" he whined

"Either say something helpful or nothing at all"

"I could always call Robyn"

"A prime example of when you need to shut up"

"Oh come on, she'd come and take us back to the hotel. What would be worse getting Robyn to help or walking down Holby's streets where everybody could see us?"

"Because sitting in a car awkwardly with Robyn for 15 minutes wouldn't be torture at all."

"She's my sister"

"That's the problem"

"It's not as if I'm calling my mum"

"But I know Robyn, I have to face her at work every day. Do you know what it was like when she first found out about us? She could barely be in the same room as me for weeks without going bright red. I never knew what to say, so no I'm not asking Robyn to help"

"Well who would you suggest?"

Zoe opened her mouth to speak but Max cut her off "And don't say Dylan"

"Why not?"

"Because he already hates me as it is"

"He doesn't hate you"

"And I still haven't forgiven him for using my toothbrush"

"Fine"

"Right ok, I guess we could just wait until we dry off a bit" Max said

"Yeah" said Zoe taking off Max's jacket "Here you must be freezing"

"I'm alright keep it. I was just thinking I might dry quicker if I take me shirt off"

"Don't you dare. This dress might be alright after it's been through the washer a couple of times but it won't if it's ripped"

Max laughed taking the jacket from Zoe but instead of putting it on he put it back down on the grass and sat on it pulling Zoe down with him.

"Zoe I know that telling me what you did earlier was hard and I'm really grateful for it because you didn't need to. I need you to know that I love you so much that I don't care whether or not you can have children and I want to spend the rest of my life with you anyway. We could adopt if you want or just foster or nothing at all; we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now I'm happy it just being me and you facing the world together."

"I love you too Max" she replied

"So I want to know Zoe" he said slowly, reaching inside his coat pocket and turning to kneel on one knee "Will you marry me?"

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**A/N: I know it's cruel but I thought I'd leave it here until I can reveal what happened in next weeks post ep depending on the episode. Hehehe ;)**


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